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Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 9
"Put some of that in the microwave for me, will ya?" I asked Richie. "Whatever..." he mumbled. Huh. That's not the kind of thing he would usually say. It'd usually be more along the lines of, "Wow, Jonah! You would let me do that for you? Oh my god, thank you so much!" He's sarcastic like that. As I was eating my spaghetti, I remembered his half-hearted remark. "What's troubling you, Rich?" I asked. "It's my parents." he replied. "But, you're an orphan." I stated. "Exactly!" He pointed at me with his fork, flinging a few noodles on to my face. "We'll have to consider this conversation over for now, boys." said the assassin who had just appeared behind Rich with a Sig Sauer 10mm silenced pistol pointed at his head. Huh... WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
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>Hey, O remember a while ago (sorry i'm getting back to you so late!) that you wanted Steph to read over your work? Well we have some feedback for you.
>First, we think it's awesome that you are writing. The coolest kids are the ones who write :)
>Second, your body isn't written totally correct.
>If i take a look at your current chapter and proof read it, it will come out looking something like,
"Put some of that in the microwave for me, will ya?" I asked Richie.
>"Whatever..." he mumbled.
>Huh. That's not the kind of thing he would usually say. It'd usually be more along the lines of, "Wow, Jonah! You would let me do that for you? Oh my god, thank you so much!"
>He's sarcastic like that.
>As I was eating my spaghetti, I remembered his half-hearted remark.
>"What's troubling you, Rich?" I asked.
>"It's my parents." he replied.
>"But, you're an orphan." I stated.
>"Exactly!" He pointed at me with his fork, flinging a few noodles on to my face.
>"We'll have to consider this conversation over for now, boys." said the assassin[,] who had just appeared behind Rich with a Sig Sauer 10mm Silenced Pistol pointed at his head.
>Huh...wait a minute!!!
>Okay, so what I did there, was you didn't use your friend the enter button as much as he would like to be used. Here's a hint, you always press 'enter' after the sentance that someone says something.
>Second, when you repeat any symbol, you only press it three times.
>Third, Mr. Italics misses you :(
>Fourth, your sentances are pretty short. Your chapters are, too. Maybe try to elongate a bit, use some more dialogue, more sensory detail, more of the character's thoughts.
I'm sorry that this seems like a lot. I'm really trying to help.
Let me put it this way, I know waaay too many kids that write a whole lot worse than you. You're really good for someone your age. Steph's brother, Limer, doesn't write like you do. You have personality, and I love that in writing.
Keep up the great work, Mark! You're doing awesome. :)
~Seth and Steph
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